Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
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If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Shoo shoo! 😂
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.