Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
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I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom