Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
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Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
British websites use biscuits.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”