Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
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I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.