Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
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Holy shit he’s back
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!