Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
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lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Just how popey was the pope today?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!