Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
You Might Also Like
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.