SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
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“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
so this horse walks into a bar
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?