Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
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4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.