“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Happens to everyone.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.