Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
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Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I love twitter
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.