@Jake_Vig Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
@BarryVonAwesome Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
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@Jake_Vig 
@karanbirtinna (First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
@sofarrsogud [Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
@UNDEADTRESOR Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
@bigpoppadrunk Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
@Im_The_Slime When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
@MalcInYourWife So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
@Brentweets San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
@TheBoydP I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
@dave_cactus You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500