@lovemydogduck Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
@BarryVonAwesome Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
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@lovemydogduck 
@joejwest MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
@Spaziotwat I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
@thepunningman [on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
@bridger_w I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
@Amanisnotadoor I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
@thepunningman My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
@iAmDelFreaky Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
@DanielRCarrillo “I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
@TheRealNickKay *LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*