@BarryVonAwesome

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

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@Jake_Vig

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

@karanbirtinna

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

@sofarrsogud

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

@bigpoppadrunk

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

@Im_The_Slime

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

@MalcInYourWife

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

@Brentweets

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

@dave_cactus

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500