Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol


(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*


[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.


Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.


Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it


When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you


So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.


San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible


I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…


You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500