Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
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When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?