Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
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There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
He took my last fry, your honor
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.