[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
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I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011