*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
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I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?