Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
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Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Black Friday “markdowns” like
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
i wish we could shoplift online
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.