Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
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my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry