Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
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I can’t stop watching this.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
#winning
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.