Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
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David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
this post was so formative to me
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.