Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase