Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

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Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.


Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two


Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody


The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change


*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?


Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?


Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.


[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years


Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.


ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle