Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
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People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.