*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
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[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
May have had one breakfast too many
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot