*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
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Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.