*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
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[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.