[screaming into the void]
MARCO
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.