[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
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If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.