[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
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#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.