Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
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If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
your elf on the shelf was delicious
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Nose
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Dance like you’re not the father
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]