*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
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God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Love this one 😂🧟
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport