Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
You Might Also Like
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
When the stylist spins you back around
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft