screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
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*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits