screw you
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Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars