@BadRadger

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

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@pest_mode

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

@mrt1m

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

@CulturedRuffian

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

@valerie_tosi

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

@OctopusCaveman

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

@iRowlf

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

@Desert_Musings

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…