Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
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Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
barbara was highly relatable
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Social distancing in Australia:
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Y’all know who you are.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?