Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
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Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Raisins are grape jerky.