Scroll, scroll, scroll the hate, gently down the screen.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily life is but a scream.
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wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
shakira sharkira
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Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again