*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
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Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Breaking news:
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
May never get over this
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse