*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them