*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
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8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat