@TheToddWilliams

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

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@SortaBad

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

@AnOrangeSNES

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

@AimeeHelene1

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

@SortaBad

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

@mikeym00n

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

@Ameiam

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

@CindyNoPants

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

@sonictyrant

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape