SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

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I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars


[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children


This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.


If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.


Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.


They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.


What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?


Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.


A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape