SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
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Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.