Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
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Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing