scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
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[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle