Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
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If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Isn’t
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.