[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
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Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I am HOWLING at this
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat