Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
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Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
this is the news I live for
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Feels like the fourth month in January
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.