Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
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me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.