Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
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I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing