Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
happy valentine’s day to me
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy