Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
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Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.