“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
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Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Bill is short for Billiam
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.