“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”


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me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*


Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?


Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.


*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”


When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.


Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.


I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.


Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me


[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”