SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
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Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.