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me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.