Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
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I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
everyone has that one prude friend
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”